Guest Expert - Joyce Layman

Hi everyone, welcome to the Get Crystallized Show. I am so excited because as you can see on my screen, I have an amazing guest with me. but before I introduce our special guest today for those of you ladies who are new to the Get Crystallized Show, welcome, and just like crystals strong women are built under pressure and it is our mission here in the Get Crystallized Show to serve you to help you break those self-sabotaging behaviors so that you can create a healthy and more importantly, a sustainable lifestyle that you love and love the skin you are in.

And my beautiful guest, Joyce Laymen is a founder, author, and car enthusiast, which are just a few words to describe Joyce and you may find that it's hard to believe that Joyce was a former wallflower. I definitely cannot believe that in the world of business networking and speaking in public, that was her second biggest year and Joyce sought training in the pacific institute processes and it became the foundation. she built her business on and you primarily work with solopreneurs and CEOs. but what's wonderful about you, Joyce is that it's your challenges that you have met um with the attitude of what doesn't kill you will make you stronger than I’m sure our audience here will relate to. so ladies, as you pop on, make sure that you click that link, the stream yard link because right now you're showing okay, Facebook user and we want to say hello and greet you by your first name.

So as you pop on, say hello, let us know where you are saying hello from and now without further ado, can we please show some love to our guest? joy so happy for you know to be here. thank you so much.

I'm excited to get crystallized. this is yeah, I was I had so much fun when we were talking about this before the show, so this is great. I just, I appreciate the time to be here. oh, thank you so so much for being here now. I know that you have many, like, like all of us do such um, you know, life-changing transformations, I would love for you to share.

You know, you’re what, what do you mean by what doesn't kill you? made you stronger. I’d love for you to share that story behind that well, as far as being an entrepreneur. so, anybody, I don't care if you have your own business or if you're working for somebody as you know, between covid and all the changes that we've all experienced since 2020, was that year. we were just praying everything would end, you know, as quickly as possible.

But it also gave me an appreciation for the things that I thought, you know, in the past that you know those take you down at the needed moments.

So a couple of things is yes, I have my own business, I’ve been doing that since 2008 and so in the middle of shifting a business model, you know, kind of taking speaking training, coaching, all of that and then, you know, so those are just things that you have to contend with from work-wise.

But personally, there have been things that have happened in my life, and the most impactful, stressful, crazy time happened a year ago on March 2nd and you know before that, I always said, you know what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger in my case you better start running so last year and I think this is the one that you know, really brought you to say, hey, I need you to come out and talk is we all have experiences that as we're going through life. some of them are small bumps and then other ones you, it literally with me, it shut my nervous system down.

So what happened with that is a year ago, March 2nd. I was getting ready in the morning and my phone rings and it's who I think my brother Craig at least it's his number and it was his neighbor and she was calling to tell me my healthy 58-year-old brother was taken by ambulance unresponsive to the hospital.

Well, he'd had the flu, or at least that's what we thought for the last couple of weeks. and it was one of those things. so I live on the opposite side of the city and I’m like, I’m thinking in my brain, I said, okay, you know, I’m getting ready now and jump in my car and I’ll be there and I literally stopped to take a 10-minute shower, you know, and just do stuff like this. but in my mind driving, I’m thinking we're going to be snapping a selfie in the hospital, you know, later because we always did chiefs games together. I mean there were just things my brother and I were close to, so we did that, and then I got two more calls on the way down.

So one was a social worker from the hospital, one was the er nurse. yeah. so anyway, yeah, that sucks.

If you've, if you've lost anybody, I don't care who it is. but when I got down there, my brother was healthy, a 58-year-old brother, stubborn.

This is the other thing and this is why coaching with crystal is great. you've got to take care of your health and if you get signs, go to a doctor, they were trying to get Craig prepped, they thought he had a punctured bow.

He never made it to surgery. he died in front of me in new york. so I know that in talking to the er nurse later she said your brother was gone when he got there he was gone.

I know Craig came back to say goodbye because I got to tell him that I loved him and then he was gone. it was crazy but keep in mind keep in mind I’ve lost my parents and my parents were born in 1925.

I'm 56 because I always like to put you know a date with that. so my parents were born in 1925. my dad had Parkinson’s, it wasn't bad, my mother was bipolar, although 95% of the time you wouldn't know anything was wrong.

We lost my dad in 2006 and my mom in 2008, my mom did great for years, she slipped into dimension and was in a nursing home. so when you think about losing your parents in your forties, it wasn't something that we wanted to happen. and that was the stuff that I thought was, it's incredibly hard. I don't care who you lose. it's incredibly hard.

It was somewhat of a blessing based on where their health challenges were, that my parents were gone. and so I thought going through that experience helped me to build resilience and then the next thing that took me out, which of course I thought nothing can be worse than this was.

I had a world championship horse. I loved horses from the time I was a kid, I was horse crazy. I owned a horse, you know, 15, 16, but all we did was right on pasture. I never showed and then I got baby admirals, barefoot, baby, she was being colored in my twenties and I had her 22 years, we showed for 11 years. we won a national championship in 1996 went reserve in 97. so I was spending 3 to 4, there were 3 to 4 times a week I was writing. so imagine having a creature, an extraordinary creature that you were spending that time with.

And I look at how much I was spending and I’m like, this is the best therapy ever, you know, just to be around.

And so the baby was 27 and it was Christmas night 2012 that I got a call that the barn was on fire. oh my! yeah and we were on the other side of town, had to get home and then get another half hour out to Sibley’s. so there were two, we called it the geriatric facility, but my mayor and another mirror were killed that night in a barn fire that put me into post-traumatic stress. the next day I woke up and I was physically shaking and I couldn't stop.

And so it was one of those things I’m thinking okay my training at the pacific institute which I’ve done in 2005 right? it's based on cognitive psychology and social learning theory. so I understand self-talk and negativity bias that I knew what my conscious and subconscious you know from an actual level were doing to me.

So I thought that helped me get through my parents. now we have a baby. I had to work with a counselor and doing the emotional freedom techniques.

So that's something that I want to put out. I always talk about it. you gotta have a good tool kit because even though I focus on sales and marketing a big part of the business, you know, the entrepreneur's mindset is a big part of everything.

I don't care, personal professional, whatever you're doing right, you learn a new tech platform, oh my god, you know, it's a comfort zone.

But the emotional freedom technique is one of those things that's also called tapping. I went to a therapist. Yes, and she had to work with me to do that. I knew how to do it. was I doing it?

No, this is why having good accountability partners, the coach is good, you know, good, strong centers of influence, family friends, those accountability partners like coach crystal, that's what helped keep you on track. so I knew that we had, you know, post-traumatic stress dealing with that.

It took me a while to get back to sleep. and I kept, you know, where I could sleep regularly, like months and months and months.

But I kept going well, why was that so traumatic on my system? and then if you think about 2020 for all of us, right, and it doesn't matter. it's just the experience of going through lockdown, whatever changes happened in your career, 2020 family friends, if anybody passed from covid, maybe you experienced it, it's like that's enough to rattle you, let alone any other things that happen.

So as I said, I thought I had good coping and then I lose my brother. it shut my nervous system down. so when your brain is, you know, you're logically thinking and I would physically start shaking and I couldn't stop. I was like, you felt like you were going to fall down and so my niece happens to have Ph.D. cognitive psychology, but she does research on how music affects the brain, which is super cool and worked with the alive inside folks.

But I would call Shannon, I’m like, tell me what my brain is doing to me, because sometimes, and this is where I want to make sure everybody knows this, sometimes, what's happening, psychologically your brain, it can be your best, right? it can be your best ally, it can be your biggest obstacle.

So, Shannon kept saying that's how the stress is trying to leave your body, that's what your subconscious, your stress is trying to leave your body so you're shaking and I went through episodes. so I got ahold of my nature path.

I've been seeing her for hormones for a while and love her. she's like, yeah, we got to get your nervous system calmed down.

So if anybody has done acupuncture, have you done acupuncture crystal? we had Yolanda from, yeah, she did a full tapping with us and it was wonderful. so you say tapping, I’m there.

I actually started practicing more regularly and it does wonders, when we, she was holding a workshop for us, I was feeling tightness in my chest because of something that was causing stress three times through with some, you know, Burbage that she was saying in other words, like to release and it went from like an eight to like a three and you're right that shaking. it's you, it's your body's way of like, how do I let go of this? how do I release this? I don't know what to do.

I’m just gonna fall. and there's so many of our lady's whom you know whether it be the uncertainty and the stress of the online their kids learning online, like who we didn't we did not plan for this. like what do you mean? I have to school three kids and then I have some of my ladies whom you know um very, very uh went off the top of my head, her mom is going through dementia and she is zero sleep um because you know, she's so so stressed out about her mom, taking care of her mom, changing her mom, feeding her mom, bathing her mom all the things and that stress put her into the hospital.

And so it's yeah, like I’m sure every single one of our ladies here has had their version, especially because of the pandemic and the lockdown and so much uncertainty.

Um, in terms of their body and there, and their just systems just wanting to shut down or freak out. yeah, this is where, where I want to point out.

And if you had somebody already mentioned this, you know, to your group on an interview, then maybe it's good reinforcement. so going back to my training with the pacific institute, they've been around for over 50 years. they worked with millions of people globally, everything from fortune.

You know, 100 to the military to like Pete Carroll was the team at USC or nick Saban at Alabama. thank performance mindset does not law of attraction. this is cognitive science.

So hey, I want to see people pop on. so one of the things that happen, especially when we get into these crisis modes and especially like 2020 I swear every day could have been a crisis mode based on right everything we were having to navigate.

To understand how negativity by us works. we are physically hardwired is hardwired in our DNA to focus on threats and danger. because if you think thousands of years ago, right, hunter-gatherer days, if you weren't focused on threats in danger, you were going to be somebody else's lunch. yeah.

So how it's been hard-wired with what happens is now this is a threat, emails, a threat, a phone calls, a threat. the next announcement they make on television who went into lockdown. now we've got this, you know, now we've got the numbers going up and down.

Like what? yeah, that these are all considered threats that we don't know. so what happens is one small thing doesn't go right then something else doesn't go right? I mean, think about it back, you know, now that the world is opening up a little bit again.

But think back to you woke up late, something was due at the office, your kids told you as they were leaving for school and by the way, I need this, then you get stuck in traffic and then all these things happen and then you walk in and something just blew up and it's nine a.m. so what?

Yeah, problems multiplying like rabbits. so what happens is the subconscious, will see one thing, and then we start, we tend to focus more on threats, on the stress versus going, okay, I’m going to acknowledge it. this is not pollyanna and unicorns, you know, and rainbows and glitter and all.

No, that's not what that is. but it's the brain we tend to get drawn towards that research shows over 65% of our thoughts are negative. that's a scary thing to think about.

But if you think about what's in the media and what do you see on social media? just all of this stuff. so the trick is to go acknowledge it and then go how can I move forward?

So with my parents, because when I was going through the grief process to me, it was like a tunnel. I felt like I was on a cruise ship. first off, right, my equilibrium was literally off.

But you can always look up to see what's there. Craig's situation was a little different because it happened, a healthy guy is gone. and then my body is physically reacting. so that's why awareness is great tapping, have your tools and I had people, I would literally go to my close friend, Jennifer peak, my other close friend Linda and a cut. so for all you overachievers and I know you're all in here because that's why you're in the group of the crystal.

So I did the notes forever and a day I was a member of the national speakers association and past president of a chapter and I was asked to be on a panel. this was last year we were going to do it and what happened, it's right before everything got locked down. I’m talking to my friend Linda actually was texting and I am dying laughing the next minute I am losing my stuff.

I am sobbing and I called her and she goes first off, you're not doing that panel. she's like no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not doing that tomorrow. you're gonna message and say this is why I’m not going to be there and everybody's going to understand.

She said the next thing, you're gonna pick one thing that you're going to do tomorrow. one thing, that's it.

One thing if you get that done great, if you want to go curl up on the couch and cry all day, that's great to pick one thing. but Linda was there like I said, I went from laughing too, losing my stuff, so breaking things down to the next step because sometimes as overachievers, you want to do all things and then you get to the end of the day, and then you're beating yourself up mentally. stop that.

I always say if your best friend talked to you the way you talk to yourself, would you still be friends? so true? and yet we always beat ourselves up. we are so hard on ourselves, in my legs, inside the revolve life method. I know that there's this buzz where, okay if I didn't do it 100% I’m not going to participate at all. and I say to the girls, girls, you know what do your best, that's all and like, you know, and I’m sure you agree to Joyce where your 100% if it's, you know, 60% of what your 100% is normal, but for that day that is your 100% perfect.

Just show up and I  agree with you, do the one thing, yep, and if you can do more, do more right, then go to like the methodology and I’m sure you've got something very similar, it's like pick your top three priorities for the day, especially when you flip over to business. so you've got to know what your quarterly goals are, you got to know what your monthly goals are, and then break it down.

But too often it's the stuff that tends to scare us that we put to the bottom of the list versus yeah, that comfort zone stuff or the imposter syndrome that sneaks in that I’m not good enough or why would they listen to me? or oh my god, I have to send another.

I have clients reach out there like, but I don't want to reach out in the messages. I’m like, well, email phone call.

You know, if you want clients, there are ways to do this and be authentic but that we don't, nobody wants rejection.

Of course, nobody wants rejection. so think about the things that have been stopping you and then also go, okay, so is it comfort? can I take you guys through a quick exercise please girls, all that you're watching say hello, thank you so much, Monica saying, learning that lesson right now? it's really important as you come on, make sure girls just as a reminder click on that link so that we can see your name and not a Facebook user.

Um and if you guys want to go through this exercise, can you show up some hearts for Joyce firstly? um you're getting a lot of love for, for sharing your story and I’m and my heart, oh my gosh, goes out to you for your brother.

And  I’m just wow, I’m and you're here, so thank you. so thank you. that's all, honestly, you are amazing.

So yes, please share with us. Your exercise. so this was I would always do this when I was doing keynotes with large audiences. I actually did it with my ted x talk, which was, you know, fun to do.

But all right, everybody put things down because you don't want to have anything in your hands. and it's hard since I’m only on part of the screen, but what you're going to do is to put your arms of an ear and then I want you to cross them over your chest, just like you would naturally cross them over your chest. and I want to give everybody a minute cause I know screen yard, there's always a little bit of a leg. okay, so this time you're gonna uncross them and cross them with our opposite arm on top. wait for a.

Okay, everybody, and I’m gonna, okay, you have to uncross your arms to actually be able to comment. but I’m curious if anybody felt that in uncrossing your arms if anybody felt that to be awkward.

It was so funny. I did a keynote one time and I had, I don't know, 500 people in the audience, and I forgot to tell them done cross their arms.

And so everybody was like squirming. and yeah, that was I was like, wait a minute, no, okay, that's awkward. that's right.

So the first thing about this is the first time you did it. it was a subconscious habit. we don't have to think about it. it's no different.

If anybody plays golf, we have golf swings that are situated ladies, that's how we get ready in the morning, right? you take a shower to put your makeup on first.

Do you get dressed? you know, like what is your habit routine? so think about that is all subconscious, 95% of what we do is controlled fire. subconscious. the second time, it was a conscious decision.

That's right. so now what you're doing is you're telling your body to do this, but you are in what I call comfort. since the easiest way to think about it, it's like climate control on the thermostat. say we operate between 68 and 72 anytime you set a new goal, it's outside your comfort zone.

Any time. The new initiative, joining the crystal's program, all of these things, it sounds this is going to be great. I’m going to tackle it. think new year's resolutions.

That's the gym and how busy the gym is. the first week of January and by the end of January, it's business as usual because the majority of people have fallen off.

Yes. so how did I go from being a wallflower to being called bobber calls me the greatest networker in the world, the guy who wrote the book on networking? it's because I learned how to push comfort zones intentionally push comfort zones, which makes it easy when we're faced with comfort zones that come out of the blue.

So part of it is self-talk. it's what you say, we have over 50,000 thought today would be thinking it out loud, right? all of that. so think about this with your kiddos. if you've got kids, spouse, significant, other family, people on your team, you need to learn how to coach them forward.

So this self-talk, what happens? it creates this normal of how we know ourselves to be. I’m a morning person, not a morning person, work out as easy workout sex.

I can stick to a diet. you know, I’m a sugar addict. I used to be always late. like late lately my friends tell me to show up 30 minutes before they did because I was that light in sales outside sales but think about all these things that we tell ourselves, which creates this normal. so, if you think about a circle right here is your 50,000 thoughts, what we tell ourselves gets the result.

Well, then what happens is we reinforce the self-talk. so if that comfort zone happens, and it's like, oh my god, I’ve never done this. and then you literally start talking yourself out of it before you've tried it.

Whatever that might be, imposter syndrome kicks in. I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy enough. by the way, I’ve been dealing with worthiness for a very long time. so I totally get that.

That's where think about the things that are there. but start intentionally pushing comfort sends you don't have to do huge things. but when you do that, then when stuff hits you at the blue, it's easier. my ted x talk, a friend of mine put me on a ropes course 35 ft in the air. I had a choice and I said I’m terrified of heights. I’m going to do this anyway because I knew if I could conquer that, then the other stuff wouldn't be, you know, as tough.

So for me, I was in outside sales going to a networking event, I was a wallflower and I didn't want to talk to anybody.

Was good one on one with a client. don't put me in a room full of people. so all of this self-talk think, negativity bias. where is your focus holding a thought for 15-20 seconds starts to group new neural pathways stores in your long-term memory.

15 - 22nd thought. that's yeah. and a lot of our ladies, like you said that I am not worthy, I’m not good enough, we're talking 40 years years of that negative self-talk right there.

I actually would love to segue into your book. just another leap a layman's guide to getting from there to here. I was reading that little expert that it says here, everything that you're familiar with today was once unfamiliar territory. talk about, you know, being outside of the comfort zone, we're so used to that comfort zone, even though what's comfortable is all that negative self-talk, right? there was a time when you didn't know how to walk or talk or read in the same way at R3 you know, meal prepping, you know, doing mindset work, tapping and exercising, you know, you didn't know how to do and it's if you're like you're right, it's stepping outside of your comfort zone, but now through R3 and like you say in your book, you know, now you're doing all those things effortlessly.

But what if all progress were that simple and easy? what if every path towards progress starts by learning to leap? I would love for you to share. like why did you entitle your book? just another leap.

When I was asked to do a ted x talk and it was they gave me the topic of comfort since I was trying to think about what is a great visual piece of that. so when you think about comfort sense and the big league, a Hendrix wrote that one of my favorite books, I’m all you know, I’m all about the mindset stuff, but to me, it's like we don't have to be, we think leaps are huge. sometimes leaps can be this big, they feel like they're huge, but they’re really that big.

So I was talking to a business partner at the time and that's where there to be here. not here to there. it was just the way it rolled off my tongue. but that's there to here is just another late and then we called the book just another leap. so it's like if you just do that one more thing, there's that to 12 movies, if anybody's ever seen, it's like it's a two-minute video short and it talks about one degree.

So people think that we have to do these huge things. but when you look at like some of the top athletes in the world are some of the top competitions, whatever it might be, there's like a millisecond of difference between who gets first and who gets second, right? so we tend to, I’ve done it, you know, we tend to catastrophize things in our brain or we tend to think this one small thing suddenly becomes this huge mountain.

If we have not done it before, if it's outside of our comfort zone. but if you reverse engineer and I know you help your folks do this, right? I help my clients do this with sales and marketing.

But if you can break things down and go, so what's the next step and what's the next step and what's the next step? and then you look at it. it's kind of like that negativity bias.

If anybody's ever put your child on a bike, you're teaching to ride a bike and you give him a shove and you see something in the road and you say, don't hit the rock, what do they do?

Hit the rock? always, every time it's the same one. it's the same way with our brain and gold. so that's why if you go, I know what I want to do. I know the way I want to lose the and maybe it's just shifting body fat percentage or you're getting, you know, maybe it's more lean muscle or it could be as simple as I’m adding water.

I'm moving. you know, it doesn't have what we always want to think of like, I like to think about what I look like in high school versus what do we need to do now at 56 to make sure my boyfriend and I have this conversation, he's 64. he doesn't look like it. he can run circles around me.

But it's one of those things that's like what we need to do to make those decisions to stay healthy for each other, which goes back to god is strong enough. why? then the scary stuff, it's less scary.

Amen to that. that is a that is actually the foundation at r3 is what is your why? because you know, women come to us and they're like, oh, I want to lose £50 and I’m like, okay, why?

And they don't know how to answer that. and then, and that just goes to show, you know, I, I want to lose x amount of pounds if that reason was good enough, there'd be a lot more fit people walking around, but it isn't right. so I love that you, that you pointed that out any other.

Um, and I’m going to encourage you, I’ve added the link girls, I really want to encourage you to purchase this book. um I know that it's literally a guide to get from there to here and I think there'd be so much value and we can maybe even do a book club and I love it, I would love for your book to be the very first one inside our group. so with that being said, are there any other nuggets as we wrap up here that you would love to share from your book?

Just another league. one of the things to think about this is how you can so coach others forward. so too often what happens is it's easier you're going to leave here and go, oh I recognize you're going to recognize that self-talking somebody else before we recognize it in ourselves. one of the exercises I would do with full-day training classes, multi-day with leadership teams as I would have everybody put rubber bands on each wrist, right one on each wrist, kinda hard to do virtually. you can still figure this out.

So think about it with your family. what I would do is say, hey, I heard this lady talk today, we have this exercise, everybody get a rubber band.

If you catch yourself thinking something limiting or negative, not just negative, sometimes it's limited. oh, I’ve never done that before, right? whatever that is.

Oh, that's hard for me. then you snap. so I like that. but but but our ships that you snap and you reframe it because otherwise remember what I said about 15 to 20 seconds.

You just stored it in long-term memory. so you've got to groove neural pathways. this is why it takes time to create new habits. when I was researching in the book. you know, they say 21 days, I've seen research take up to 67, but guess what?

I used to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day and I quit one night and I never picked up another one again. I was sick all the time. my, why was I’m sick of being sick?

So you have your y and then you start to notice what your self-talk is. pay attention. are you looking at the rock? are you looking past the rock and then backing it up to baby steps every time you do something, even if it's the, as you said, right, we don't have to do all out, even if it's 60% acknowledge it, it produces a dopamine response in the brain.

Good job, yeah. and then you just keep moving forward. but that group exercise of accountability, I used to say that you could snap each other's rubber bands and people had a ball with it, but then you start to recognize you're like, oh my god, I didn't realize I was saying that.

So you snap that you reframe, you can also do it with post-it notes if I want to change if I want to implement, and maybe you already tell your group to do this, I’m a visual learner.

So I will write on my mirror or I will put a post-it note, I'll put a three by five card in my visor one word and it's like, okay, that's what I need to be focusing on. the other problem is we go a little bit too far and then we stop seeing its blind spot, right? so you want to be changing it up, but be aware of comfort zones intentionally find things to push comforts on Staley, even if it's going out of order with how you put your makeup on, right small things, but yet your body is going to go hold on. but start intentionally, your goal is to get uncomfortable because then you'll become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Love it. that is so, so good. and you know, for a lot of my ladies who are um you know, starting this new healthy journey, it's all uncomfortable, but like what you just shared, just one baby step at a time, what is your why just another leap and your leap doesn't have to be huge.

Just one tiny leap. and I love the example, maybe you're just focusing on drinking your water today. you know, we do something where we take food selfies, maybe it's making sure that I take all of my food selfies today, that one little bit um and you'll take that, that another little leap to get from there to here and eventually hit your goals. so Joyce, thank you so much. thank you for sharing your personal story with us. thank you for sharing all of these amazing nuggets and I have added the link girls, you can see in that copy, you can hit that amazon link and purchase that book. I would love for us to start our book club if that's something you're interested in and I would love to start with Joyce’s book as our very first book club book. so thank you so much, Joyce, for being here for your time for your words of wisdom, and for sharing your heart most especially that I do not take for granted girls, can you please show it? we show burger love, this is what burger love is Joyce, I love so many girls so please show Joyce and burger love.

If you watch the replay please put hashtag replay and if you have any questions for Joyce like let us know I’m gonna again, we want to have you again as a guest. we absolutely adore you. thank you so much for all of your nuggets.

You have been awesome. you are what awesome looks like. so thank you for all the burger love right now that you're receiving. yeah. and next time we can talk about cars, fundings with cars.

You know what? I know. we have some horse lovers in here too. so there are. there. there we go.

Great. thank you so much Joyce for the rest of you. have an amazing day. thank you, everyone. bye-bye.